Hello,my name is Jayleen and just like you I am in an ENG101 class.Please do not take anything into offense,that is not my intention. Your introduction paragraph is quite clear and I feel it is appropriate.In a way you used photography to work your way into the thesis.You your yearning for your son as a child also connected to the thesis. For the first body paragraph,the aspect was obvious which I thought was good because right there,I knew what you were talking about.I also thought you made a really good reference towards the book as well as the given quote. In the second body paragraph,I felt it was a bit repetitive in the beginning.You could have made the second sentence shorter.It was also a bit confusing but I could almost understand the aspect of the surroundings.You also mentioned what he was wearing.I felt that wasn't needed because you spoke of that in the previous paragraph.In the last body paragraph,two of the descriptions stood out much more than the others.It could have a been a bit more detailed with the ones that didn't stand out.But with the mentioning of the two descriptions, it did allow me to understand the third and last aspect. The conclusion shows new observations that could have been a separate paragraph and it repeats part of the introduction. I believe your draft's biggest strengths are the introduction and the first body paragraph.Within both paragraphs,your display of cultural influence was shown in a detailed manner. It would have been nice if you included the age of your son in the photo to give a little understanding of where he was at the time.You should watch out for grammar and punctuation.That seemed to be your main problem. Other than that,I felt your draft well written despite the issues.
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ReplyDeleteHello,my name is Jayleen and just like you I am in an ENG101 class.Please do not take anything into offense,that is not my intention.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction paragraph is quite clear and I feel it is appropriate.In a way you used photography to work your way into the thesis.You your yearning for your son as a child also connected to the thesis.
For the first body paragraph,the aspect was obvious which I thought was good because right there,I knew what you were talking about.I also thought you made a really good reference towards the book as well as the given quote.
In the second body paragraph,I felt it was a bit repetitive in the beginning.You could have made the second sentence shorter.It was also a bit confusing but I could almost understand the aspect of the surroundings.You also mentioned what he was wearing.I felt that wasn't needed because you spoke of that in the previous paragraph.In the last body paragraph,two of the descriptions stood out much more than the others.It could have a been a bit more detailed with the ones that didn't stand out.But with the mentioning of the two descriptions, it did allow me to understand the third and last aspect.
The conclusion shows new observations that could have been a separate paragraph and it repeats part of the introduction.
I believe your draft's biggest strengths are the introduction and the first body paragraph.Within both paragraphs,your display of cultural influence was shown in a detailed manner.
It would have been nice if you included the age of your son in the photo to give a little understanding of where he was at the time.You should watch out for grammar and punctuation.That seemed to be your main problem.
Other than that,I felt your draft well written despite the issues.
Did you edit out the comments I made in the copy of your first draft I created for peer review purposes?
ReplyDelete